I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
