i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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