If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
