So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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