I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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