Don't EVER smell your tampon
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
