i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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