I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
