I think my fart just growled at me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
