Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
