you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
