If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
