Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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