I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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