I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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