my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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