dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
