He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
