I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
