Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
