I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
