I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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