Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Houston, we have a squirter
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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