I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
a search helicopter?!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
