I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
