i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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