i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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