New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
