Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
