About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
