You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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