I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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