Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
