He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
