I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
