Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
