i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
