Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My dick has a subreddit
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
