I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
