When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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