no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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