Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
