I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
