Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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