I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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