I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
