At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Randomize
