I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
