I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
