She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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