Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
