I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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